When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
