Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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