The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
