So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
