what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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