i may or may not be watching the land before time
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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