Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
