Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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