I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
