I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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