apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
