Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
