please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
