I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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