I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
