I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
