I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
