Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
