Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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