If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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