Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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