He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
