wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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