the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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