Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
