Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
