I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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