I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
