This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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