4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
