"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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