First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
