we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
