saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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