Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
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