So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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