You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
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Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
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Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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