my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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