So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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