Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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