Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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