I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
