He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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