I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
