I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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