im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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