And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
