I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
