Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
