my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
