dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
