just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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