the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
