I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
