Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
