My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
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He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
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We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
you had me at cake vodka
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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