I'm lost and stupid without you.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize