shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
