I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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