dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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